E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me. "



Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.



I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.



They need to make their instructions a little clearer!

 

Architects Do Have A Sense Of Humor.....

Draw your own conclusions.....



Mike.

 

ADULT TRUTHS



1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear

your computer history if you die.



2. Nothing shocks you more than that moment during an argument when you

realize you're wrong.



3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

younger.



4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.



5. *How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? SO... here's

that answer!>>>>> ( How to Fold a Fitted Sheet Like a Pro - YouTube )

*



6. Was learning cursive really necessary?



7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty

sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.



8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the

person died.



9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.



10. Bad decisions make good stories.



11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the

rest of the day.



12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I

don't want to have to restart my collection... again.



13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me

if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear

I did not make any changes to.



14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.



15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.



17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.



18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and

hunger.



19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod

and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?



20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up

to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and

sisters!



21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.



22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still

not know what time it is.



23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car

keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the

Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3

feet away, in about 1. 7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.



24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and

the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for

men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies..... Quit Laughing.

 

NOW!! That thr is just hellaous! (per the cable guy) GETTER DONE!!

 

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads "Suits $5. 00 each, shirts $2. 00 each, trousers $2. 50 each. "



Bubba says to his pal "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tuscaloosa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama. "



They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5. 00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2. 00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2. 50 each. I'll back up my pickup and... "



The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from South Alabama , ain't ya?"



"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... . "How come you knowed that?"



"Because this is a dry cleaners!”

 

made me laugh.....

 

Will I Live to see 80?



Here's something to think about.



I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'



He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'



'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'



Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'



'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'



'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'



'No, I don't,' I said.



He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'



'No,' I said...



He looked at me and said,... . 'Then, why do you even give a ****?'

 

World's Shortest Books

World's Shortest Books









MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

By Tiger Woods

____________________________________________



OUR WHITE BOYFRIENDS

By The Kardashians

________________________________________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

Foreword by George Soros

________________________________________



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By "The Rev Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev Al Sharpton"

______________________________________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

By Hillary Clinton

_________________





Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

_________________



THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By Bill Gates

____________________________________



THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

By Amelia Earhart

____________________________________



HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

By Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY



_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER

By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony

_________________________________________



HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

By Ted Kennedy

_________



MY BOOK ON MORALS

By Bill Clinton

With introduction by

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

and foreword by

Tiger Woods with John Edwards

____________________________________________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL

BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS

___________________________________________________

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

By Nancy Pelosi

________________________________________________________



Mike... .

 

After the high speed crash...

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.



Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.



Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.



Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon - from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week. "



Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

 

off the top of my head;



how to shoot straight by dick chaney.



how to build quality products by the chinese.



how to win wars by the french



how to live a classy life by charlie sheen



my knowledge of politics by guldam



and the shortest ever; how to take personal responsibility for your actions as president by Barack Obama

 

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken. "



She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.



My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.



Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.



I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders. "

 

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. .

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. . I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years. "



Apparently I'm still lost. It's a man thing.

 

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,





you're going to smile when you think of this:



A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.



'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.



'No, I don't,' she replied.



'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '



She didn't crack a smile.



'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.



But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.



'What's so funny?' he asked.



'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'





(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)





Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!

 

Imagine stumbling onto this while surfing for Wi-Fi... .



#ad


#ad

 

Thought for the day...



"Once the thrill of being married to a stripper wears off, you're just left with someone who always has change for a five... "

 

I can envision this popping up late Saturday night at a friend's house..... It'll take them four hours to decide which van they want to turn over.....

I can see the disaster about to ensue... ... OH, the joys of a good practical joke.....

 

Hope I don't run up onto one of these on a dark night.....







#ad






Mike.

#ad

 

Don't know if this has been posted already... . Just got it.





Little Johnny's toothbrushes


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success. "

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. "

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.



"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some cr@p, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth. "

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

 

Subject: This indeed is worrisome



Beer contains female hormones.



Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.



Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.





The theory is that beer contains female hormones ( hops contain Phytoestrogens ) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.





It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary.



Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

 

I finally received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents. "

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million

people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons;

and 535 persons in the U. S. House and Senate, plus 1 useless

President. "

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.



I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?