E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

REDNECK LENT



Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.



But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating

meat on Friday.



The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful

that they finally talked to their priest.



The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.



After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over

him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.



Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled

venison filled the neighborhood.



The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a

rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.



There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling

meat and chanted:



You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

 

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"



I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped. "



"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.



I said, "Of course, what is it?"



Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you. "

 

Wyoming

A man is sitting in the Bull Moose Saloon in Laramie, Wyoming and is far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ***. "



Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out. The man gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.



Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says "She is a horse's *** too!"



Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.



He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"



"Nope, replies the bartender, "Horse country. "

 

Point to ponder... ... .....



Hope no one is offended, if I edit it the message is simply not the same... ...





Mike.

 

I wonder what McDonald's corporate would have to say about that sign.

 

No one ever told me this!



During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.



The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.



When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"



Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.



The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum. "

 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.



I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

This just in. A Texas A&M (Aggie) football player has fled to Canada to avoid the NFL draft.

 

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.



The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…



And suddenly I remembered - I was listening to my iPod

…and how was your day?



That's what happens when old people start using technology!

 

Read and Heed....

Subject: MEN!!!! (Hysterically funny but true)





> "Just when I thought I learned all the answers, they went and changed all the questions. "

>

> > Preamble: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,

> > it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping

> > as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at

> > them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an

> > oversensitive woman.

> >

> > My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

> > Pat.

> >

> > When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Pat to

> > get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits

> > that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was

> > beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about

> > the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I

> > am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before

> > she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her

> > time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally

> > have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not

> > reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

> >

> > She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

> > not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

> > I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each

> > evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates

> > this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes

> > to bed.

> >

> > Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will

> > say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

> > during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I

> > just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over

> > two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also

> > remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her

> > any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong

> > points.

> >

> > When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

> > She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

> > I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a

> > nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a

> > while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well

> > make one for me too.

> >

> > I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Pat. I'm

> > not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

> > find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better

> > than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,

> > even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging

> > wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well

> > worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

> >

> > Signed,

> >

> > Ron

> >

> > EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on Dec. 27th. The police report says

> > that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver

> > II golf club rammed up his ***, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His

> > wife Pat was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman

> > jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally

> > sat down on it very suddenly!

 

One day a man decided to retire...







He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.





He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.







After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.



In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"



She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank. "



"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you. "



"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found

on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. "



"But, where did you get the tools?"



"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very

unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware. "



The guy is stunned.



"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour. " So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.



While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. "



"Would you like a drink?"





"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice. "



"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"







Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,





"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs. "



No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.



"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"





When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.



"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.



He can't believe what he's hearing. ” You mean... " he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

!

!

!

!

!

!

!

!

"You've built a Golf Course?"







Mike.

 

Amazing. Was the guy irish ?

 

Subject: My First Condom







I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.



She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really. '



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure



I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.





Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time. '



So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.



She then beat the **** out of me... .



Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

Hell explained through chemistry

Subject: Hell explained through chemistry:

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. . I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ... . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God. '

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

On January 9 a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! George says "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

 

GOD AND LAWN CARE

GOD:

Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.



St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.



GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.



ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.



GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?



ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.



GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?



ST. FRANCIS:

No, sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.



GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?



ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.



GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.



ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.



GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.



ST. FRANCIS:

You u better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.



GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?



ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.



GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?



ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.



GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?



ST. CATHERINE:

Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about... .



GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Mike.

 

Courtesy of Harvey Barlow......

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.



Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.



While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied.



"Then why are you wearing that cap?"



"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812. "



I thought it was a snappy retort.



"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"



God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.



"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.



He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it. "



This was beginning to be way fun!



"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission. "

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"



"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage. "



The moron nodded knowingly. “Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything. "

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look. '



"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"



With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"



The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.

Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time!



Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.



Whoever said retirement is boring, one just needs the right kind of cap!





Mike.

 

Wife's Girl Friends joke

A father and son talk on the son's wedding day. Dad how have you and mom stayed man and wife for 45 years?



Dad

On our wedding nite your mom was getting all doll'ed up in the bathroom and I was standing in my boxers. When she came out I took off my boxers and handed them to her and told her to put them on . She did and let go of them and they fell to the ground. Told her that will remind you of who the man of the house is.



Son and wife on the wedding nite



The wife was in the bathroom getting all doll'ed up son in his boxers. She came into the room he dropped his boxers and gave them to her and said to put those on she put them on and let go of them they dropped to the ground. Let that remind you of who the man of the house is



Sons wife took off her panties handed them to her new husband and said put these on. Son said I cant get into those



Wife said and with an attitude like yours YOU NEVER WILL EITHER. !!!

 

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.

He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.



"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.

It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. "



The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings

and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.

I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest. "



The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you. "



"I don't know" replies the man,... ... . "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest..... "

 

LMAO, sitting up here in the office. everyone's looking at me.....



Mike.