E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

Just got this one... ... ...







"Free sex withfill-up"





A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase

his sales. So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up. "



Soon a local redneck,Billy Ray, pulled in, filled his tank

and asked for his free sex.



The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he

guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the

proprietor said,"You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time. "



A week later, BillyRay, along with his brother, Bubba,

pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.



The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him

to guess the correct number. Billy Ray guessed 2 this time The proprietor

said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close,but NO free sex this time. "



As they were driving away, Billy Ray said to his brother, "I

think that game is rigged, and hedoesn't really give away free sex. "



Bubba replied, "Noit ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My

wife won twice last week. "





Mike.

 

Jack Daniel's Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.



Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

 

Hang 'Em High

Fresh one from last night... ...





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay

of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was

feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him

about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you

been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he

poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the

bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged

himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told

that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of

execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to

go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU

EVER STOP?!'



Mike... .

 

Very good... .



Mike.

 

Protection in the woods - Best Bear gun

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?



A 22 short should do it... . think not... read on.

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System. " For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

 

The Cowboy Boots

"The Cowboy Boots"

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)



Did you hear about the Montana teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?



He asked her for help and she could see why... .



Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.



She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet. " She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.



He then announced, "these aren't my boots. "



She bit her tongue rather than get in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brothers boots. My mom made me wear "em. "



Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.



Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"



He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots. "



She will be eligible for parole in three years!



Nick

 

biology exam

Students in an advanced biology class were taking their

mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages

of mother's milk', worth 70 points or none at all.



One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven

advantages. He wrote:



1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.



And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,

just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he

wrote:



7) It comes in two attractive containers... . and the

cat can't get it.



He got an A.

 

God's sense of humor?

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round . .

 

Tatoo Artist's Last Day On Earth.....

 

Thats friggin funny...

 

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Sorry, says the bartender. We don't serve food here.

 

How do you make a Kleenex dance?












Put a little boogie in it!

Just good clean fun right there

 

This one is pretty good

Never mind the Ford part, just read it all... .













Nothing like a Ford Truck.



New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out...









I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck

Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned to the dealer yesterday





Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.







'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.





The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'







'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'

Came from the speakers.







Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant

' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.







I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.







Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

And nearly creamed my new truck ,

But I swerved in time to avoid him.







I yelled, '*** Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,







Ladies and gentlemen,

The President of The

United States







Damn I love this truck... .

 

Read it, don't jump to conclusions..........

ALZHEIMERS SELF-TEST... ... .







If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test







How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM





2. F_ _K





3. P_N_S





4. PU_S_





5. S_X





6. BOO_S











| | | | | | | | | |

Answers:



1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong... . didn't you?





You do NOT have Alzheimer's





You are a Pervert







=

 

Men Teaching Classes For Women

>> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

>>

>> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

>> By Sun, January 15, 2012

>>

>> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,

>> CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

>>

>> Class 1

>> Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a thermostat Step by

>> Step, with Slide Presentation.

>> Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM. .

>>

>> Class 2

>> Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or *****ing

>> About It for 3 Hours?

>> Round Table Discussion.

>> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

>>

>> Class 3

>> Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

>> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

>>

>> Class 4

>> Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures

>> and Explanatory Graphics.

>> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

>>

>> Class 5

>> Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

>> Examples on Video.

>> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

>>

>> Class 6

>> How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the

>> Program Help Line Support and Support Groups.

>> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

>>

>> Class 7

>> Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

>> Open Forum . .

>> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

>>

>> Class 8

>> Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

>> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

>>

>> Class 9

>> I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

>> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

>>

>> Class 10

>> How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

>> Driving Simulations.

>> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

>>

Class 11

>> Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers

>> Through the Windshield.

>> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

>>

>> Class 12

>> How to Shop by Yourself.

>> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

>>





Mike.

 

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim

librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'



To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top

of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back

 

Another one...

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!







Three women die together in an accident









And go to

heaven.



When they get there, St. Peter says,



'We only have one rule here in heaven:



Don't step on the ducks!'



So they enter heaven, and sure enough,



There are ducks all over the place.



It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,



And although they try their best to avoid them,



The first woman accidentally steps on one.



Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.



St. Peter chains them together and says,



'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to



Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'



The next day,



The second woman steps accidentally on a duck



And along comes St. Peter,



Who doesn't miss a thing.



With him is another extremely ugly man.



He chains them together



With the same admonishment as for the first woman.



The third woman has observed all this and,



Not wanting to be chained



For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,



VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months



Without stepping on any ducks,



But



One day St. Peter comes up to her



With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on



... . Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.











St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says,



'I wonder what I did to deserve being



Chained to you for all of eternity?'



The guy says,



'I don't know about you,



But I stepped on a

Duck.









Mike

 

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws

And while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with

The windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind

The back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.



He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot

In the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an

hour.



The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the

Doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.



When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread

Dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had

Exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a

Gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she

Reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it

Was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.



Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could

All be a coincidence.



The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from

2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

Barack and Michelle are at the World Series Game 6. They are sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barack. At first, Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".



The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy. "

Obama hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want - C'mere Michelle baby... " With that, Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Barack, you "!^$#@&!"



The crowd goes absolutely wild. . Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that. I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that. " Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks what is wrong.



The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch. "

 

There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi . He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio.

He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio.

So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get your *** out of my car and wait for a camel. ”



Mike.