Daily Chuckle...

How many men does it take to open a beer?​

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None; it should be open when she brings it. ​

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Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?​

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Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you!

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?​

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It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows​

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them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?​

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When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me . . "​

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How do you fix a woman's watch?​

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You don't; there's a clock on the oven. ​

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Why do men "break wind" more than women?​

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Because women can't shut up long enough to​

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build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
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The dog, of course; he'll shut up once you let him in. ​

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What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?​

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A woman who won't do what she's told. ​

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes​

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a woman's sex drive by 90%.
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It's called a wedding cake. ​

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Why do men die before their wives?​

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They want to!​

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Women will never be equal to men​

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until they can​

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walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested; then God created man and rested. Then God created woman;
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since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ​

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Its takes 23 muscles to smile and 4 to extend your arm and ***** slap that person across the face.





So those angry management classes paid off

 

I just sent this to my wife!



I hope she's in a good mood! :-laf

 

Well, here was her reply.



She's got a sense of humor too. :-laf



How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.



How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals. "



How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.



How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.



How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.



How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.



What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.



What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.



What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.



What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.



What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.



What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.



What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.



How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.



Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.



Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.



Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.



Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.



What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!



What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.



What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.



What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.



What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.



What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.



What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.



What's the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.



What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted a several times.



What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says... "



What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Straight through the rib cage.



Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.



Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.



Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.



Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.



Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.



Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.



Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.



Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.



Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.



Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.



Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.



Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

 

I'm glad someone is paying attention... :-laf

 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckian, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred

to as "Hillbillies. " You must now refer to these folks as:



APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore... ...



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT CERTAIN WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN. "



2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. "



3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. "



4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "



5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION. "



6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED. "



7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. "



8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED. "



9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE. "



10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. "



11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. "



12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER. "





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:



1. He does not have a "BEER GUT " - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. "



2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN. "



3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "



4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION. "



5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. "



5. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. "



6. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. "



7. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY. "



8. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED. "



9. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED. "



10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE. "

:-laf

 

Paying attention to what?